REAL STORIES AND REVIEWS OF PLACES I HAVE TOTALLY BEEN, WITH STOCK IMAGES: PART 1: LAKE MICHIGAN

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The reclining man in front was my guide through the waters of America’s most haunted lake. He tasted of salt and ectoplasm. Our affair was brief, but loving, though when it began he told me he could no longer love. How I delighted in proving him wrong. He wielded a feathered quarterstaff when he fought lamprey ghosts. I have never seen nautical spirit combat so graceful. I wept when the abyss took him 10/10

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The beings at the bottom of the lake know that humanity will destroy itself... then it shall be their time. I barely escaped this surprise attack on the beach. I cannot forget the screams of beachgoers being de-molecularized 4/10

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This guy knew a lot about beast summoning. Like, too much. Could not get him to hush up. I get it, bro, Firebeasts come out of the sky at your will. Do you care about how they’re doing? I doubt it 2/10 (NOTE all proceeds from this post will be donated to the Society for the Ethical Repatriation of Firebeasts to the Sky Uber-Palace, or SERFSUP)

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My attackers were as vicious as they were numerous. Even as I bled, their majesty did not escape me. I still remember the last thing they said to me: WEEEEE WEH WEH WEH WEH WEEEE WEEEE WEEEEE WEH WEH WEH 8/10

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Nikolas alone took pity on me. Whilst his comrades were distracted, he hid me in a laundry cart and let me slip out through a sewer pipe. It was a horrific experience, and I am still recovering from numerous bacterial infections, but I am alive. Only after I’d reached safety did I realize he’d left this picture on my phone. I hope his vanity is not his downfall 10/10

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“Take me with you!” the buoy cried, the agony of false sentience thick in its plastic voice. I laughed at its pain. Buoy-kind had brought nothing but suffering to me and mine. As I ran, I flipped it the double-bird, then I pressed my two middle fingers together to make it look like the birds were kissing. Fuck buoys 1/10

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The OSOA center where I was sanitized and de-briefed against my will. I told them the Office of Supernatural Ocean Affairs had no idea what they were up against, and also that they were wildly out of their jurisdiction, since we were at Lake Michigan. Only then did I learn the terrifying secret at the heart of this matter 5/10

Evan Burke