FUTURE INTERNET: SPACE YELP
MARTINEZ RAMEN, GRAND CONCOURSE ON ANUBIS, FLAGSHIP OF THE GOD EMPEROR OF THE FOURTH HUMAN EMPIRE
"Four stars...there's a deep complexity and flavor to the broth that's hard to find. Chef Martinez has proven that he's got the best ramen shop on the Concourse, and that's really saying something."
"Five stars...great comfort food. Satisfying, delicious, reminds you of the old days. Which, uh, were definitely worse than now, but, um, just in terms of ramen, things used to be better. Hahaha. Things are great and I love the Emperor."
"One star. This food brings joy to humanity, and their laughter pains me. The noodles make me feel like a cannibal."
"Three stars. The food was great, but if you perceive time in a nonlinear fashion you're pretty boned because some really depressing stuff happens there in about a decade. "
"Three stars. This is my first experience with 'food,' as mortals refer to it. Five stars for 'flavor,', but one star for this 'chewing' business you all seem so fond of. Presumably other foods are the same. I see no need to ever try this again."
"Five stars. Food is supposed to make you feel alive, right? Comfort and nourishment and complexity, tinged with nostalgia or visions of the future. Martinez Ramen does all these things, and more. It is a great shame that the Chef has clearly done something to displease His Eminence. It is my understanding they are under new management."
"One star. What happened? This place used to be great! Now they got all these Androborgs in the kitchen, and they can't understand food, like on an abstract/conceptual level, and that's at least in the top ten things you need as a chef."
"Five stars. Hi, previous commenter here, just wanted to amend my last review and say that the Androborgs are just like us and definitely understand food and you should eat at God Emperor Ramen and there was never a place called Martinez Ramen."
"Two stars. I have come from the future seeking Paolo Martinez, The One Who is Destined, the former chef who brings about the fall of the Fourth Human Empire and the glory of the First Interspecies Republic, but it appears that I am too late. We are doomed, forever fated to live in darkness. Also the noodles were chewy."